Seeing through the Jagged Pieces of our Lives.

 When we can see others through the eyes of our jaggedness and replace judgment with compassion, miracles can happen. By remembering all the obstacles we surmounted, we can see through the eyes of compassion. All broken relationships, career setbacks, and loss of loved ones are shared and never wasted. Our past mistakes give us the ability to understand others. When we look at each other and see ourselves, we bring healing. We embrace the preciousness we find in their eyes; we make the world safer and more accessible.

I was part of a multi-disciplinary team for a Drug Court. A judge in the area established the program to lower the recidivism rates of drug and alcohol addicts. Working with a team of law enforcement and probation officers, and human services professionals, I provided trauma therapy for women who were sexual abuse survivors. The program demanded 365 consecutive days of drug testing and extremely strict hoops to jump through. There was no room for error; non-compliance put the client in prison. The expectations were high, and clients were held to high standards of accountability. However, the incentives to succeed were also exceptionally high. In exchange for several years of prison, they could go on probation with no prison time.

I remember one client I will call Janice; it is not her real name. She grew up in a violent home where she was repeatedly sexually abused by men in her family. Both of her parents were drug addicts. She remembered “doing pot” with her mother when she was twelve years old. Janice grew up to be an extraordinarily successful drug dealer. She bought a duplex with cash from the money she earned selling drugs. Janice lived there with her three children. She made sure it was a good neighborhood so her children would be safe and could attend good schools. Her children’s fathers were drug addicts and did not contribute to their expenses. When one of them physically abused her son, she left the relationship. She was very protective and nurturing to her children, in ways she never experienced as a child. She loved them dearly and it was that love that gave her the strength, courage, and determination to complete the program. Her sexual trauma complicated the hoops she jumped. She used drugs to numb the pain. Without drugs, her journey to recovery was very steep. When we face our trauma, we suffer. Without motivation, therapy, and a supportive group, it is an impossible task.

At the time of the arrest, Janice lived alone with her children. The rent from the other side of the duplex gave her consistent income. She vowed to have a safe place where her children would not be abused or neglected. Going to prison meant her children would be in foster care or with her abusive family. Drug Court was a lifesaver for her.

When Janice first started therapy with me, she told me what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would give the judge good reports. I could give positive reports because she did show up on time for every appointment. One day, I will never forget was the day she told me her truth. She looked straight into my eyes with a combination of fear and confusion. Then her silence went on for a long time, and I wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she spoke to me from her heart with tears in her eyes. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this. “I am turning into the other side. I am becoming like the people I hate. The boring and stupid people who obey the law and think they are better than everybody else.”  It was a profound statement that caught me by surprise. At that moment, I realized how we are all victims of our family, culture, and society. Our brains wire the beliefs that surround us, such as those of our mother, father, grandparents, uncles, and aunts. Their beliefs become our reality and are deeply ingrained in our subconscious minds.

I remember listening to a talk by Thich Nhat Hanh, challenging his audience to love those who are difficult to love. He told a story about a twelve-year-old girl who jumped into the ocean and drowned herself after being raped by a pirate. He says, “it is easy to see ourselves in the eyes of the twelve-year-old girl. It is more challenging to see ourselves in the eyes of the pirate.” It is difficult not to condemn him. Thich Nhat Hanh explained that if we were born into the pirate village and raised in the same ways as he was, who would we be? Thich Nhat Hanh says there is a great likelihood he would become a pirate. If you were born into a violent family with drug-abusing parents who broke the law as a way of life, who would you be? Would you be a drug dealer?

I could see the preciousness in Janice. She valued and cared for her children in ways she was never valued as a child. She started Drug Court and continued the struggle for the love of her children, and finally, after a year of intense struggle and suffering, Janice finished the program with all the odds against her. She became sober, found employment, and volunteered to take a mindfulness class for she knew the support of a group would sustain her recovery. She maintained her recovery for the love of herself.

Bringing the jagged pieces of our lives to the places we live and to the people we meet helps us to love and share our compassion. We see ourselves in the eyes of the ones judged by society and seen as “other”. When we can see ourselves in the eyes of the pirates and the parents who neglect their children, we bring healing and peace. When we can bring our jagged pieces, we witness miracles. It is magic driven by love because we replaced judgment with compassion. We use the sweetness of the jagged pieces of our lives to make positive differences in the lives of others. We change the world, and we change our own lives.

A Mystical Experience

  “I am more than my physical body. Because I am more than physical matter, I can perceive that which is greater than the physical world”. –Robert Monroe

The Universal Subconscious can also be called Cosmic Consciousness. It refers to consciousness that is beyond human perception. It could also be called Metaphysical consciousness. Metaphysics represents the beliefs of Unity Church and Science of Mind. They study what is possible with the concept of our Oneness with God and all living things. Ernest Holmes, the founder of Science of Mind, defines it as the creative intelligence of the Universe. He says there is nothing supernatural about the study of the metaphysical viewpoint. He says what seems supernatural today will be understood in the future by many and found to be part of the natural order. Many teach that we are headed to our next steps of growth as spiritual beings through an understanding of the cosmic realm.

Our ancestors lived close to nature. They lived in a dimension based on symbols and rituals, causing a trance state of consciousness and thus connecting them to the universal subconscious. Even though there were tribes of people all over the world, many of the same healing practices, values, and wisdom can be found in each of them.  As Howard Thurman says, "There is plenty of evidence to support the belief that the universal subconscious mind is the connecting link between the finite mind of man and Infinite Intelligence of God. It is the intermediary through which one may draw upon the forces of Infinite Intelligence at will. It, alone, contains the secret process by which mental impulses are modified and changed into their spiritual equivalent. It, alone, is the medium through which prayer may be transmitted to the source capable of answering prayer.” In other words, we all can tap into universal creativity and intelligence. The more we use it, the stronger it becomes in our lives. I believe it is through the universal subconscious that we can find the same path to wisdom and healing as our ancestors.

For thousands of years, our ancestors found, on every continent, used trance as a bridge to the subconscious. Mainstream groups such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Sufi (Islamic mystics) also use trance as a spiritual journey. Psychological work for the treatment of P.T.S.D. and addiction uses the induction of trance for healing. Trance is defined as an altered form of consciousness in which a person is neither fully awake nor fully asleep. We experience a fleeting state of trance just before we go to sleep and our conscious mind is winding down and right before we wake up. Entering a trance state happens when we can bypass the critical chattering conscious mind. In a trance, we can communicate directly with the subconscious mind. A trance can help us access deeper states of awareness and experience mystical or Maslow’s peak experiences. Often, they can have life-changing effects. 

Defining a mystical or peak experience is difficult. I had one several years ago. It was an out-of- mind experience, I was full of awe and wonder. It happened when I was 30 years old, and it started my spiritual quest for truth. I remember it like it happened yesterday.

          I was a hospice volunteer, and I spent the day and evening with an elderly man who was dying. He was conscious most of the time. He shared stories about his beloved wife and described how he felt so lost since she died a year before. He shared in vivid, colorful detail the gardens she planted and tended. He missed her homemade bread. He missed the smells she created in their home. It was like we were on a sense tour together through his life with his wife. He shared the gentle touch of their first kiss.

When he first came into the Hospice that day, he joyfully proclaimed, “Today is the day I am going to die.” I didn’t believe that was true, as most people are there for several days before they die. He was excited because he knew it was the day he would be with his wife again. The energy around him was alive and joyful, but I just didn’t see how he could be dying that day. It did not fit the usual pattern I saw many times before him. Several hours passed, and his energy became quieter. He slept on and off. For most of the day, I was there with him alone. He didn’t have children. As he told me, “It was just the two of us building castles in the sky.”

Around nine and after dinner, he was unconscious. He really was dying today! His pastor came to give him the last rites. It was the first time I was a part of this very holy ceremony. My body tingled with awe and wonder as the pastor’s gentle words cradled the energy in the room. Soon, our patient peacefully took his last breath and was gone. After he died, I went out into the night and looked up at a sky full of stars. They twinkled so close; I could touch them. At that moment, I knew I would never doubt there is a Presence some call God. The reality of an all-powerful God was a flash that felt more real than anything else in my life. Suddenly, my sense of self was free and full of Love.