Dying is Perfectly Safe

 "Each time we surrender, each time we trust the dying, we are led to a deeper level. We are grounded for a while, like an electric wire, so there is less resistance and more available energy to trust it the next time. Yet, it is still invariably a leap of faith—we don't know what life is until we know what death is. Divine life is so big, so deep, and so indestructible that it can include death."—Richard Rohr

When I was thirty years old, my best friend died of cancer. She was also thirty years old and left two small children and a devoted husband. I traveled the chemo journey with her, losing her hair and having some extremely sick days. As death became more eminent, I was amazed by her inner strength. One day she sat at her kitchen table and talked with her husband and me. It was primarily directed at me because she knew me well. She told me her husband was dating another woman, and she approved and asked that I would too. She explained that this lady was perfect for her children and her husband was a good man and deserved to be happy. "Wow!! Are you kidding me?" My judging head went crazy, "Dating another woman!" My friend knew me well. I was outraged. "How could you, couldn't you wait until she died?"

 

I shifted my perspective when I realized it was my friend telling me this, not the gossip of another friend or a neighbor. How could she handle the vision of somebody else mothering her children, sleeping with her husband?  I realized that she had an inner strength I couldn't even imagine. She loved in a way I never knew possible. She had several months to prepare for her death. One of my favorite authors, Steven Levine, wrote a book about dying when he was told he had a year to live. Knowing you have less time than you thought gives you the inner space and inner power to heal what remains unloved and unloving. It is not the kind of love that is possessive and controlling.  That is our small self, our egoic self. My friend demonstrated how to love from your higher self, your true Self.  It was the greatest act of love I have ever witnessed; I still respond with awe and wonder as I write this. Her last days were an example of how to live in presence with grace and love. Her journey to death profoundly affected my life and my spiritual journey.

Preparing for death can be healing. "Once you see what the heart needs, it doesn't matter if you're going to live or die, the work is always the same." (Stephen Levine). Letting go of our small self prepares us for dying. Letting go of all egoic attachments teaches us how to love from our Soul Self. Preparing for death means living in presence, living for today because tomorrow is not promised. Death is the ultimate reality of life. The saints and yogis fully embrace death. Some even go into graveyards to meditate. Buddhists teach to understand that everything is temporary, and death is the ultimate proof. Don't be afraid of death; let it free you. Let it encourage you to experience life in the here and now and experience it fully, appreciate the moments you are given. Every minute you are a step closer to death. This wisdom is the way to live life peacefully. Waste no time with ego's empty promises of fame and future glory, for it creates emptiness and separation. Don't hold back love. Love with no walls and no strings. As Michael Singer says in his book, The Untethered Soul, "You live life as though you were on the verge of death because you are."

Why wait for a terminal diagnosis to find the potential grace and wonder of living in peace? No one can afford to put this work off because almost no one knows the day on which the last year of life begins (Singer). Socrates recommended that we should "always be occupied in the practice of dying." So does the Dalai Lama. Several years ago, someone asked him what he would do; next, he answered that he was fifty-eight years old and felt that it was time to complete his preparations for death.

Be prepared for dying, and you will improve your daily living.

·          In Lesson Four, we discuss overcoming fear and providing mindfulness practice by "attending and befriending" fear.

·         Often it is the fear of pain related to dying that creates the most unease. Thank your body for its perseverance under past difficult times.

·         Remember facing death can give meaning to life. So try to learn what it is saying to you.

·         By paying attention to each moment and living fully, you take your life back from the fear of death.

·         Practice daily forgiveness and gratitude meditations in relationship to both pleasant and unpleasant memories.

·         In your heart, release your material things, your roles, titles, and "importance."

·         Prepare your mind for letting go. Daily meditation practices and body sense tours can replace negative and fearful thinking to a place deep within where there are no words to torment.

·         Steven Levine's Book, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as if it were your last, is an incredible journey as it was his last year of life. He did live a few months beyond a year. His wife reports that his death was spiritual and peaceful even though he did face body pain. He was able to listen to and accept the body's pain helping him to rise above it.  

The following is a list of the top five regrets of the dying written by Bonnie Ware, a hospice nurse.

1. I wish I'd dared to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. "This was the most common regret of all.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd dared to express my feelings. ...
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. ...
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

Exercise:

1.      If you received a terminal diagnosis, what changes would you make in your life?

2.      If you found out the diagnosis was a mistake and had a second chance at life, what will you do with the rest of your life?