Mindful Listening

 “To listen is to continually give up all expectations and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”-Mark Nepo

A few months ago, I attended an elder listening circle as a participant. When it was my turn to share, I felt compassion and support coming to me from people I barely knew. There was no judgment and no crosstalk. Crosstalk is when you add your experience, point of view, or comment rather than listen quietly. No crosstalk also means not even supporting or offering a nod of agreement. I felt safe and listened to and was able to gain new insights.

Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to take a step back and experience listening to another with one purpose, “to help that person empty their heart.” He says by allowing a person that space, you are giving them a chance to suffer less. He expresses how deep listening is not listening to analyze or even uncover what has happened. Instead, you listen to provide the person with compassion and dignity when somebody finally understands. He says this is your only purpose when you are listening mindfully.

How often do you feel like somebody is listening to you and understands what you are trying to say? Most of the conflict between people is due to both parties not hearing and understanding each other. Listening to and hearing each other is an important skill. But like other skills, it takes a lot of practice and the ability to remember your new skills. It is easy to forget to listen when we become distracted.

Tara Brach says, “Most of us consider listening to be a great virtue. We love having others listen to us with interest and care, and we hope to be good listeners ourselves. But it is hard. To listen well, we must become aware of the mental static that runs interference: aware of our emotional reactivity; aware of all the ways we interpret (and misinterpret) each other; aware of our haste to prepare a response; aware of how we armor ourselves with judgment. Learning to listen involves stepping out of our ongoing inner dialogue and using what St. Benedict called the “ear of the heart.”

Here are some obstacles to listening:

·         You wish for the person to experience you in a certain way.

·         You want approval.

·         You are judging the person or what they are saying.

·         Sometimes it is fear and hurt that causes us to tense up and build walls pushing the other person away.

·         It is hard to listen to someone when it stirs up feelings of fear, hurt, jealousy, or anger.

·         When we feel something unpleasant is going on, we try to control the situation rather than sit peacefully listening.

·         Another obstacle is we may want to do something different or be somewhere else.

·         Sometimes, we tell ourselves there is not enough time to listen. But, when we value and know the power of listening, we can make time and listen to a person as the priority.

Acknowledge these obstacles and label them in your head, going back to your breath. Do not judge yourself; you are learning a new habit. You can label it as you do in meditation and then go back to listening as you would go back to your breath in meditation.  Remember, the power of deep listening is to end suffering.

Exercise One: Practice listening to one person this week, using the following guidelines:

·         Give up the need to comment, having an opinion.

·         Give up the need to say you agree.

·         Remember, all people are entitled to have their perspective of life.

·         Remember listening to another decrease suffering.

·         Listen with your heart, do not respond, or react with your perception. Listen to their perception without comparing it to your own and without judgment.