The Biologoy of Friendship

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”-Marcel Proust

December 2016, I saw my last client, sold my house, and moved from Wisconsin to Florida. I retired. At first, I was busy settling into a new state and a new home. I wanted to make new friends, find a comfortable church, and find ways to spend my free time. I went to meetups, attended four different churches, started a meetup group on mindfulness. I volunteered at Hospice and became a CASA advocate. After six months of no-stop distractions, I felt lonely even though I had met several people and called a few friends. Every meetup, church service, volunteer training, and social gathering felt like a train wreck. I came home feeling empty and alone. Feeling lonely when with a group of people was a new and challenging experience. I missed my Wisconsin friends and needed to face the feelings of longing and grief instead of distracting myself with the busy life syndrome.

It turns out there is biology that supports this need for hanging out with people we are comfortable around.  At one time, humans needed each other to survive a very harsh existence. Our needs are not the same as our evolutionary journey, but they are just as important. Researchers show how emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human. It is interesting to know that their findings confirm the wisdom of mystics and spiritual leaders shared for many years; we are One and belong to each other. Neuroscience gives us scientific terms supporting long-held beliefs about healing, redemption, and our need for love and support from each other. This shared humanity and friendship give us hope and strength to face the challenges of aging.

A review of recent neuroscientific studies follows:

Lane Becks and James Coan, Social Baseline Theory.

·         They say we do best when we are in proximity to each other. The study demonstrated how the flight-flight, freeze chemical reaction fired much less when another person is with us, even if there is nothing the other person can do to help.

·         Their research demonstrated how when we are in a situation causing fear and suffering, the presence of another, even a stranger, calms our nervous systems.

 

·         I am sure we all can recall moments like this when a trusted person made everything easier just by holding our hand through a painful procedure or event.

·         If you wish to review the work of Becks and Coan, you can find it at Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotions and Economy of Action (2011)

Kraus, Huang, and Keltner demonstrated how team cohesiveness was a stronger predictor of success than IQ or talent.

·         Social proximity and interaction improve human functioning.

·         With the support of another person, our executive functions such as impulse control, memory, concentration, and focus are more available for problem-solving.

·         The best predictor of success was not the average IQ of a group but rather the sensitivity of group members to each other’s social cues.

·         Our culture’s high regard for autonomy and individual success may be creating anxiety and fight-flight symptoms. In addition, isolation would increase the anxiety levels of most people.

·         Cooperation rather than competition may be more helpful in solving the problems challenging our country and our world.

The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges studied how our autonomic system responds to conditions around us.

·         The theory helps us understand how the perception of safety is the vital requirement needed for learning new things.

·         He explains how our systems sense, below our conscious awareness if we feel safe in the situation. How we react depends on the cues we are picking up from person to person relating. For example, we respond to a facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, and person’s attitude.

·         When safety is perceived, our ventral vagal parasympathetic system activates, and our body calms down. As a result, we can be close and vulnerable in a relationship. We can focus on what the person is saying and the deeper meanings of our relationships. People feel attended to and matter when relating to a person who is in a state of calm.

·         An individual in this calm, authentic state becomes a magnet for others, and when they meet up with others in this same relaxed and safe place, a healthy relationship can form.

·         When fear is perceived, the sympathetic system activates, fight, flight, or freeze to prepare our body for acting. Our voice changes from mellow and calm to harsh and anxious; our ears focus on listening to the larger environment for sounds of danger rather than listening to a person. We lose our ability to attend to another person. We disconnect from others and narrow our focus to scan for threats. People around us will sense fear, and their system may fall into a protection mode also.

·         Porges says, “safety is the treatment.” Safety is the prerequisite to learning and change. Our systems continually ask, “Are you with me?” As soon as we feel someone is not judging and is attending to us, our system will move into the same non-judgmental calming state; we will have fewer judgments about ourselves and others. We can experience vulnerability in our connecting.

·         If somebody is not feeling safe, they will automatically have difficulty connecting with others. Thus, the focus is on protecting and not connecting. As a result, we lose access to rational judgment, focus, concentration, and memory, causing complications for learning new information.

Summarizing the findings:

·         We all need relationships and communities where we support one another without judgment and fear.

·         Connecting with others is critical to our survival.

·         Even a stranger can promote healing with a reduction of anxiety by holding someone’s hand.

·         Our calm presence promotes feelings of safety and connection in others.

·         Panksepp does not believe in punishment as a part of parenting. Instead, he would replace time out with listening to the child’s deep need for connection. Then, respond by holding the child until the emotional storm subsides.

·         Panksepp suggests a new way of caring for people who have dementia. He says when the person experiences a cognitive decline, it is not their most significant capacity; finding meaning through connection is far more critical. For example, when a family member no longer remembers your name, she will be able to recognize and be comforted by your touch and the sound of your voice.

·         The importance of safety first in relating and learning new things has implications for our schools, Kirke Olson, the author of The Invisible Classroom, says, “We must focus on safety and connection before curriculum.”

·         The possibilities are endless when we apply this knowledge to understand how our current culture conditions of competition, information overload, task-oriented, and a high value on “success” keep us in persistent sympathetic activation and thus preventing us from peaceful intimate connecting.

·         We can also understand why political scare tactics are effective. In the fight-flight-freeze state, we have difficulty with focus and concentration and become reactive. There is no compassion or concern for others; our focus is safety. Our executive functions for concentration, reasoning, and logic are diminished.

Listening becomes more critical when we use these facts to understand our power to heal one another. When we understand our importance to each other’s wellbeing, listening in a calm presence increases our significance. We can bring healing to others by using every opportunity to listen to others instead of thinking about what to say or wondering if you will agree or disagree. It is helpful to remember what brings healing and calm to another is attending without judgment. Neuroscientists tell us the biology of hanging out with friends is essential for healing. People do need people. Knowing I can make a difference by holding somebody’s hand or just being present in a calm, supportive way inspires me to volunteer.

Journal Exercise: Think of an individual with whom you feel respected and valued for who you are. How do you feel in this person’s presence? Think of a person with whom you feel respect and value who they are. How do you feel in their presence?