I realize I have lived several chapters and this is the solitude chapter. Today I am learning how to live Eckhart Tolle's Now.
I don't have to do anything; it is okay to just be and enjoy the fruits of my time alone with the birds, squirrels and Jaz. The air is cleaned by the pine trees and oaks. This is the quiet peaceful chapter; a time to reflect and wake up. A time to bask in the light of healing silence with few distractions. I heal from a lifetime of struggle with a dysfunctional and flawed mother, partners, work places, and patriarchy. I remember as a child longing to be with kind gentle honest people who loved one another. I observed my friends' families and how different they were from my family. I wanted to grow up and have a family of love and happiness, but I didn’t know how to find that and continued to connect with more dysfunction out of emotional neediness and feelings of loneliness and incompleteness. Today, in the silence I found the peace, joy and love I was seeking for as long as I can remember.
I am grateful for this time and place to heal the scars and reap the wisdom of a battered life. I am grateful to be single and free to live this solitude chapter of my life. I watch my neighbor couples and remember what it was like to have to assist the man in charge with outdoor chores and cater to the faulty decisions about perfect pesticide treated lawns and chemically cleaned car rims. I see them play the busyness game preventing anything real to touch their lives while covering up fear and emotional pain. I am grateful for this time and this chapter of life.