Living Life on Purpose Increases Longevity

“If you try to do only for yourself, you’ll only get so far in life. If you reach out to touch other people, you can fix you own soul.”-Bryan A. Wood, Combat Veteran

Do you find yourself stuck in a daily routine that makes life feel like it’s just another day? When I first retired, I felt excited about the extra free time. After a few months of retirement, I heard others saying what I was also feeling. “Gee golfing every day left me feeling like there has to be more to life. Retirement isn’t what I thought it would be.” All my free time started to feel like it was just another day, with no surprises, plans, and meaning. Uncomfortability is a sign for me to pay attention, a time for opportunity and possibilities. As I suffered from this feeling of just another day, I returned to what I knew best, mindfulness awareness without judgment. Soon I realized retirement took away my purpose. There is research pointing to the importance of living life on purpose. It turns out sharing our passion, talents, and love is good for our happiness, health, and longevity. I share some of the studies below.

2003 Harvard, Mayo Clinic, and University of Pittsburg study on the concept of “cognitive reserve.”

·         They studied fifty brains from people who had died. One group of subjects had dementia while they were alive, and a control group had no symptoms of memory loss.

·         At autopsy, they found that some individuals from the control group accumulated equivalent loads of plaques and tangles as those found in people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but did not experience dementia symptoms while alive.

·         Researchers believe the brain abnormalities did not cause symptoms because these individuals had “cognitive reserve.” They define cognitive reserves as extra neurons and stronger connections formed because of their continued activity in projects they felt were meaningful, activities they believed made a positive difference for others, living life on purpose.

2009 Archives of General Psychiatry report on a Johns Hopkins study on the importance of civic engagement for elders.

·         They assigned a group of elders to participate in a tutoring program for children in elementary school in Baltimore. After MRI brain scans, they found the participants who reported finding meaning in helping children had better cognitive functioning, and their hippocampus had less atrophy than the control group.

·         After examining the brain tissue of two hundred and fifty people who died during a long-term study of more than 1400 older men and women, they found some fascinating autopsy results.

·         After retirement, individuals who were not involved in new activities showed a cognitive decline like Alzheimer’s patients but did not have the brain plaques and tangles typical in Alzheimer’s clients.

·         Some individuals who had brain plaques and tangle like Alzheimer’s did not have dementia symptoms. They had no memory loss. They were people who reported having purpose and meaning in life after retirement.

·         The results indicated better brain functioning for people who reported having more purpose in their lives. Moreover, the results held up when controlled for differences in exercise levels, education, and stress factor.

2012 Patricia Boyle, a neuropsychologist at Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago, led a team studying the effects of having a sense of purpose on Alzheimer’s Disease. They followed 246 older persons from the Rush Memory and Aging Project for seven years. They used structured interviews and cognitive functioning testing for evaluation. Changes in amyloid and tangles were examined in relation to the sense of purpose. Participants who scored high on purpose were two times more likely to be free of Alzheimer’s symptoms than those who scored low. In addition, Dr. Boyle’s team showed that purposeful people are less likely to develop disabilities that cause early death.

There seems to be significant scientific evidence showing the power of having continued purpose as we age. The results of these studies have significant public health implications. According to the Alzheimer’s Association, more than five million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer’s. It is the sixth leading cause of death in the U.S.

Imagine if a drug could reduce dementia with the same numbers as the purpose studies were able to demonstrate. What if that drug had no adverse side effects and could produce the same results? It would be a best seller.

Unfortunately, the number of people diagnosed with dementia-related diseases is rising, creating a significant strain on the healthcare industry and Medicare. Dr. Richard Lipton of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine found lifestyle changes to be more effective than medication in reducing the risks of dementia. Richard Davidson from the University of Wisconsin says, “I think that one of the important insights from our work is that the mind can be transformed, that we all are born with a capability for change. And that the seeds of living a compassionate life are within each of us.  

Living your life on purpose after retirement is one of the best things you can do for your health and longevity. You replace just another day syndrome with an I can make a difference today.

Exercise: Every morning this week, set the intention to make a positive difference in somebody’s life, human, animal, or plant.

The Biologoy of Friendship

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”-Marcel Proust

December 2016, I saw my last client, sold my house, and moved from Wisconsin to Florida. I retired. At first, I was busy settling into a new state and a new home. I wanted to make new friends, find a comfortable church, and find ways to spend my free time. I went to meetups, attended four different churches, started a meetup group on mindfulness. I volunteered at Hospice and became a CASA advocate. After six months of no-stop distractions, I felt lonely even though I had met several people and called a few friends. Every meetup, church service, volunteer training, and social gathering felt like a train wreck. I came home feeling empty and alone. Feeling lonely when with a group of people was a new and challenging experience. I missed my Wisconsin friends and needed to face the feelings of longing and grief instead of distracting myself with the busy life syndrome.

It turns out there is biology that supports this need for hanging out with people we are comfortable around.  At one time, humans needed each other to survive a very harsh existence. Our needs are not the same as our evolutionary journey, but they are just as important. Researchers show how emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human. It is interesting to know that their findings confirm the wisdom of mystics and spiritual leaders shared for many years; we are One and belong to each other. Neuroscience gives us scientific terms supporting long-held beliefs about healing, redemption, and our need for love and support from each other. This shared humanity and friendship give us hope and strength to face the challenges of aging.

A review of recent neuroscientific studies follows:

Lane Becks and James Coan, Social Baseline Theory.

·         They say we do best when we are in proximity to each other. The study demonstrated how the flight-flight, freeze chemical reaction fired much less when another person is with us, even if there is nothing the other person can do to help.

·         Their research demonstrated how when we are in a situation causing fear and suffering, the presence of another, even a stranger, calms our nervous systems.

 

·         I am sure we all can recall moments like this when a trusted person made everything easier just by holding our hand through a painful procedure or event.

·         If you wish to review the work of Becks and Coan, you can find it at Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotions and Economy of Action (2011)

Kraus, Huang, and Keltner demonstrated how team cohesiveness was a stronger predictor of success than IQ or talent.

·         Social proximity and interaction improve human functioning.

·         With the support of another person, our executive functions such as impulse control, memory, concentration, and focus are more available for problem-solving.

·         The best predictor of success was not the average IQ of a group but rather the sensitivity of group members to each other’s social cues.

·         Our culture’s high regard for autonomy and individual success may be creating anxiety and fight-flight symptoms. In addition, isolation would increase the anxiety levels of most people.

·         Cooperation rather than competition may be more helpful in solving the problems challenging our country and our world.

The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges studied how our autonomic system responds to conditions around us.

·         The theory helps us understand how the perception of safety is the vital requirement needed for learning new things.

·         He explains how our systems sense, below our conscious awareness if we feel safe in the situation. How we react depends on the cues we are picking up from person to person relating. For example, we respond to a facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, and person’s attitude.

·         When safety is perceived, our ventral vagal parasympathetic system activates, and our body calms down. As a result, we can be close and vulnerable in a relationship. We can focus on what the person is saying and the deeper meanings of our relationships. People feel attended to and matter when relating to a person who is in a state of calm.

·         An individual in this calm, authentic state becomes a magnet for others, and when they meet up with others in this same relaxed and safe place, a healthy relationship can form.

·         When fear is perceived, the sympathetic system activates, fight, flight, or freeze to prepare our body for acting. Our voice changes from mellow and calm to harsh and anxious; our ears focus on listening to the larger environment for sounds of danger rather than listening to a person. We lose our ability to attend to another person. We disconnect from others and narrow our focus to scan for threats. People around us will sense fear, and their system may fall into a protection mode also.

·         Porges says, “safety is the treatment.” Safety is the prerequisite to learning and change. Our systems continually ask, “Are you with me?” As soon as we feel someone is not judging and is attending to us, our system will move into the same non-judgmental calming state; we will have fewer judgments about ourselves and others. We can experience vulnerability in our connecting.

·         If somebody is not feeling safe, they will automatically have difficulty connecting with others. Thus, the focus is on protecting and not connecting. As a result, we lose access to rational judgment, focus, concentration, and memory, causing complications for learning new information.

Summarizing the findings:

·         We all need relationships and communities where we support one another without judgment and fear.

·         Connecting with others is critical to our survival.

·         Even a stranger can promote healing with a reduction of anxiety by holding someone’s hand.

·         Our calm presence promotes feelings of safety and connection in others.

·         Panksepp does not believe in punishment as a part of parenting. Instead, he would replace time out with listening to the child’s deep need for connection. Then, respond by holding the child until the emotional storm subsides.

·         Panksepp suggests a new way of caring for people who have dementia. He says when the person experiences a cognitive decline, it is not their most significant capacity; finding meaning through connection is far more critical. For example, when a family member no longer remembers your name, she will be able to recognize and be comforted by your touch and the sound of your voice.

·         The importance of safety first in relating and learning new things has implications for our schools, Kirke Olson, the author of The Invisible Classroom, says, “We must focus on safety and connection before curriculum.”

·         The possibilities are endless when we apply this knowledge to understand how our current culture conditions of competition, information overload, task-oriented, and a high value on “success” keep us in persistent sympathetic activation and thus preventing us from peaceful intimate connecting.

·         We can also understand why political scare tactics are effective. In the fight-flight-freeze state, we have difficulty with focus and concentration and become reactive. There is no compassion or concern for others; our focus is safety. Our executive functions for concentration, reasoning, and logic are diminished.

Listening becomes more critical when we use these facts to understand our power to heal one another. When we understand our importance to each other’s wellbeing, listening in a calm presence increases our significance. We can bring healing to others by using every opportunity to listen to others instead of thinking about what to say or wondering if you will agree or disagree. It is helpful to remember what brings healing and calm to another is attending without judgment. Neuroscientists tell us the biology of hanging out with friends is essential for healing. People do need people. Knowing I can make a difference by holding somebody’s hand or just being present in a calm, supportive way inspires me to volunteer.

Journal Exercise: Think of an individual with whom you feel respected and valued for who you are. How do you feel in this person’s presence? Think of a person with whom you feel respect and value who they are. How do you feel in their presence?

Sharing the Sweetness of Our Jagged Pieces

When we can see others through the eyes of our jaggedness and replace judgment with compassion, miracles can happen. By remembering all the obstacles, we surmounted we can see through the eyes of compassion. All broken relationships, career setbacks, loss of loved ones are shared and never wasted. Our past mistakes give us the ability to understand the mistakes of others. When we look at each other and see ourselves, we bring healing. We embrace the preciousness we find in their eyes; we make the world safer and more accessible.

I was part of a multi-disciplinary team for a Drug Court. A judge in the area established the program to lower recidivism rates of drug and alcohol addicts. Working with a team of law enforcement and probation officers, and human services professionals, I provided trauma therapy for women who were sexual abuse survivors. The program demanded 365 consecutive days of drug testing and extremely strict hoops to jump. There was no room for error; non-compliance put the client in prison. The expectations were high, and clients were held to high standards of accountability. However, the incentives to succeed were also exceptionally high. In exchange for several years of prison, they could go on probation with no prison time.

I remember one client I will call Janice; it is not her real name. She grew up in a violent home where she was repeatedly sexually abused by men in her family. Both of her parents were drug addicts. She remembered “doing pot” with her mother when she was twelve years old. Janice grew up to be an extraordinarily successful drug dealer. She bought a duplex with cash from the money she earned selling drugs. Janice lived there with her three children. She made sure it was a good neighborhood so her children would be safe and could attend good schools. Her children’s fathers were drug addicts and did not contribute to their expenses. When one of them physically abused her son, she left the relationship. She was very protective and nurturing to her children, in ways she never experienced as a child. She loved them dearly and it was that love that gave her the strength, courage, and determination to complete the program. Her sexual trauma complicated the hoops she jumped. She used drugs to numb the pain. Without drugs, her journey to recovery was very steep. When we face our trauma, we suffer. Without motivation, therapy, and a supportive group, it is an impossible task.

At the time of the arrest, Janice lived alone with her children. The rent from the other side of the duplex gave her consistent income. She vowed to have a safe place where her children would not be abused or neglected. Going to prison meant her children would be in foster care or with her abusive family. Drug Court was a lifesaver for her.

When Janice first started therapy with me, she told me what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would give the judge good reports. I could give positive reports because she did show up on time for every appointment. One day, I will never forget was the day she told me her truth. She looked straight into my eyes with a combination of fear and confusion. Then her silence went on for a long time, and I wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she spoke to me from her heart with tears in her eyes. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this. “I am turning into the other side. I am becoming like the people I hate. The boring and stupid people who obey the law and think they are better than everybody else.”  It was a profound statement that caught me by surprise. At that moment, I realized how we are all victims of our family, culture, and society. Our brains wire the beliefs that live around us as mother, father, grandparents, uncle, and aunts. Their beliefs become our reality and are hard-wired into our subconscious mind.

I remember listening to a talk by Thich Nhat Hanh challenging his audience to love those who are difficult to love. He told a story about a twelve-year-old girl who jumped into the ocean and drowned herself after being raped by a pirate. He says, “it is easy to see ourselves in the eyes of the twelve-year-old girl. It is more challenging to see ourselves in the eyes of the pirate.” It is difficult not to condemn him. Thich Nhat Hanh explained that if we were born into the pirate village and raised in the same ways as he was, who would we be? Thich Nhat Hanh says there is a great likelihood he would become a pirate. If you were born into a violent family with drug-abusing parents who broke the law as a way of life, who would you be? Would you be a drug dealer?

I could see the preciousness in Janice. She valued and cared for her children in ways she was never valued as a child. She started Drug Court and continued the struggle for the love of her children and finally, after a year of intense struggle and suffering, Janice finished the program with all the odds against her. She became sober, found employment, and volunteered to take a mindfulness class for she knew the support of a group would sustain her recovery. She maintained her recovery for the love of herself.

Bringing the jagged pieces of our lives to the places we live and to the people we meet helps us to love and share our compassion. We see ourselves in eyes of the ones judged by society and seen as “other”. When we can see ourselves in the eyes of the pirates and the parents who neglect their children, we bring healing and peace. When we can bring our jagged pieces, we witness miracles. It is magic driven by love because we replaced judgment with compassion. We use the sweetness of the jagged pieces of our lives to make positive differences in the lives of others. We change the world, and we change our own lives.

The Possibilities of Uncomfortability

 

“If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. Without difficult in life, there can be no evolution in consciousness.” Eckhart Tolle

It is our nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. We reject uncomfortability as an unwelcomed interruption in our life. We ignore it, or we search for quick-fix solutions to get rid of it. We resist it, resent it, get angry, and sad. We say, “There is something wrong, and it shouldn’t be happening to me.” The way we respond to uncomfortability depends on the level of awareness we are functioning. Awareness brings choices. When coming from the first two levels, we have little emotional regulation and lots of chattering interfering with the voice of wisdom. By shifting into the last two levels, we have more emotional wellness, and we look for the lesson and the possibilities. In Lesson Two, you can review, Identifying the Four Levels of Awareness.

From higher levels of awareness, we can find an authentic sense of self after enduring a period of suffering. It can be excruciating, but sometimes it is needed to help us awaken to deeper levels of awareness. Eckhart Tolle and others tell us conversion rarely happens while someone is in their comfort zone. The place where the evolutionary shift happens is usually after having an experience of uncomfortability of suffering. Suffering can help make room by clearing out the comfortable routines of living and thinking. It shakes us out of our reliance on conventional rules and thinking.

 There is no guarantee that uncomfortability will bring about awakening or a deeper understanding. But there is always the chance. For those who are ready, the possibility exists to live more consciously. With time and more practice, we can experience a shift to live more fully. As we grow in awareness, we learn how to let go of suffering. In Lesson Two, we know how to cope emotionally through acceptance without judgment. In Lesson Four, we learn how to break the habit of negative thinking and the habit of worrying. So much of our suffering comes from believing the chattering mind instead of living in growing awareness and body presence.

Example of how Uncomfortability Can Lead to New Awareness

I was drowning in a sea of self-doubt. I told myself there are so many self-help books about mindfulness already. Is there even room for one more? Maybe I should give up entirely with this book idea. It didn’t seem like I had anything to contribute. I took a break from writing, continued my daily mindfulness practices, and allowed the experience of uncomfortability.

I shared my concern in my writers’ group. A member told me there might be several mindfulness books, but not one from my unique experience and knowledge. She told me I did have something to contribute. The next day on my way home from grocery shopping, I saw a tortoise making her way onto the busy road I was traveling. I stopped my car, put on my flashers, and got out to be she was able to cross safely. A day later, on a morning walk with my dogs, I saw a Black Racer Snake. Black Racer Snakes are not poisonous. It was in the tall grass next to the road; its movement caught my eye. My friend Lola taught me how to interpret what she called animal medicine. When an animal crosses your path, you can begin to listen through your intuition for a message.

I sat in the silence of contemplation. “I am open to your message, for I know it is a message for my higher good.” I asked, “What are you trying to tell me?” The first thing that came to me was how I received the message from three sources. I always believed in the power and magic of three. I realized both the animal messengers live close to Mother Earth, grounded in her power. Tortoise is a special messenger because my friend, Lola taught me about the Turtle Medicine of her Oneida Nation. Tortoise reminds me of virtues I often find difficult, patience, persistence, and steadiness. She also speaks to longevity, telling me to continue my path to finding my unique message. The snake sheds her skin and reminds me of transformation and rebirth. The desire to create something, do something is the desire for change and growth, shed old skins and grow something new. The third message from my writers’ group gave me the self-confidence I lost. I started to write again. This time with a new focus.

As I took these messages to heart, I realized the book needed a change. My unique contribution to mindfulness teachings is my age and the wisdom and experience of aging with mindfulness. Thus, a new title and a new focus. It is a lesson of aging and allowing what is and letting go of what used to be when confronting the changes, we face as we grow older. Yes, there are many books on mindfulness; my unique experience, passion, and talents are worth sharing. The time spent in uncomfortability provided the space for me to create a new direction for my book, focusing on living life on purpose as we age.

Uncomfortability Makes Us Real.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ ‘Does it hurt?’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.’ “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who must be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand. Margery Williams—The Velveteen Rabbit, 1922.

Activities that help when you are experiencing uncomfortability.

·         Self-compassion reminds me of how times like this happen to everyone. We all have uncomfortable times. (Mindfulness Self-Compassion is a topic from Lesson Two)

·         How have times of uncomfortability helped you to be real?

·         Review Defining Four Levels of Awareness topic. Level four leads you to find the lesson of an event.

·         Replace the critic’s negative talking with the compassionate witness stance. When you catch yourself in a negative story, stop and remember how uncomfortability can give us new possibilities.

·         Continue your mindfulness daily routine to keep the faith.

·         Remember, everything is temporary. This too will pass.