When we can see others through our
jaggedness and replace judgment with compassion, miracles happen. When we
remember all the obstacles, we surmounted we can see through the eyes of our
jaggedness. All broken relationships, career setbacks, loss of loved ones are
shared and never wasted. Our past mistakes and losses give us the ability to
understand the mistakes and losses of others. When we look at each other and
see ourselves, we bring healing. We embrace the preciousness we find in their
eyes; we make the world safer and more accessible.
I was part of a
multi-disciplinary team for a Drug Court. A judge in the area established the
program to lower recidivism rates of drug and alcohol addicts. Working with a team
of law enforcement and probations officers, human services professionals, and faith-based
community groups, I provided trauma therapy to women who were sexual abuse
survivors. The program demanded 365 consecutive days of drug testing and
extremely strict hoops to jump. There was no room for error; non-compliance put
the client in prison. The expectations were high, and clients held to high
standards of accountability. However, the incentives to succeed were also exceptionally
high. In exchange for several years in prison, they could go on probation with
no prison time.
I remember one client I will call
Janice; of course, that is not her real name. She grew up in a violent home
where she was repeatedly sexually assaulted by men in her family. Both of her parents
were drug abusers. She remembered "doing pot" with her mother at the
age of twelve. Janice grew up to be an extraordinarily successful drug dealer. She
bought a duplex with cash with the money she earned selling drugs. Janice lived
there with her two children. She made sure it was a good neighborhood so her
children could attend the best schools. Both of her children's fathers
were drug addicts and abusive to her. When one of them physically abused her
son, she left the relationship. She was very protective and nurturing of her
children. She loved them dearly, and it was that love that gave her the
strength and determination to complete the program. Her sexual trauma
complicated the hoops she jumped. She used drugs to numb the pain. Without
drugs, her journey to recovery was very steep. When we face our trauma, we
suffer. Without motivation, therapy, and a supportive group, it is an
impossible task.
At the time of her arrest, she lived
alone as the sole provider of her two children. The rent from the other side of
the duplex gave her consistent income. She vowed to have a safe place where her
children would not be abused or neglected. Going to prison meant they would be
in foster care or with her abusive family members. At the time of her arrest,
she was especially vulnerable due to the recent breakup with her son's father.
She described to me how she only sold drugs to the people she knew. Except for
this one time, she sold drugs to an undercover law enforcement officer and was
immediately arrested and sent to jail. Thankfully, the judge assigned her to
Drug Court.
The judge required counseling, and
she started therapy with me. At first, she told me what she thought I wanted to
hear so that I would give the judge good reports. I could give positive reports
because she did show up for every appointment. Then, a day I will never forget
she told me the truth. She looked at me with a combination of fear and
confusion. The silence went on for quite a long time, and I wondered what she
was thinking. Finally, she looked into my eyes and spoke to me from her heart
with tears in her eyes. I don't remember the exact words, but it went something
like this. "I am turning into the other side. I am becoming like
the people I never wanted to become because I dislike who they are. Boring and stupid people who obey the law and
do not do drugs. The people who think they are better than other people." For
the first time, she was telling me the truth. At that moment, I realized how we
are all a victim of our family, culture, and society. Our brains wire the
beliefs living around us as mother, father, grandparents, and siblings. Their views
became our reality and became hardwired in the subconscious.
I remembered listening to a talk by
Thich Nhat Hanh challenging his audience to love those who are difficult to
love. He told a story about a twelve-year-old girl who jumped into the ocean
and drowned herself after being raped by a pirate. He says, "it is easy
to see ourselves in the eyes of the twelve-year-old girl. It was more challenging
to see ourselves in the eyes of the pirate." It is difficult not to
condemn him. Thich Nhat Hanh explained that if we were born into the pirate
village and raised in the same ways as he was, who would we be? Thich Nhat Hanh
says there is a great likelihood he would become a pirate. If you were born
into a violent family with parents who broke the law as a way of life, who
would you be.?
There was a preciousness and love
about Janice. She loved her children and finished the program for them in the
beginning. She loved her children in a way she was not valued as a child. Finally,
after a year of intense struggle and suffering, Janice finished the program for
herself. With all the odds against her, she became sober, found employment, and
volunteered to take mindfulness classes because she knew they would support her
to continue on a path of recovery.
Bringing the jagged pieces of our
lives to the places we live and the people we meet helps us know how to love
difficult people. We can see ourselves in the eyes of the pirates and parents
who neglect their children. We can witness a miracle driven by love when we
replace judgment with compassion. We use all the jagged pieces of our lives to
make a positive difference in the lives of others.
