Poem from the Tao
Center of Wheel
We join spokes together in a wheel,
But it is the center hole
That makes the wagon move.
We shape clay into a pot,
But it is the emptiness inside
That holds whatever we want.
We hammer wood for a house,
But it is the inner space
That makes it livable.
We work with being,
But non-being is what we use.
The Golden Buddha
Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a Golden Buddha. It was made of tons of pure gold and stood as tall as ten people. It sat in the lotus position in the garden of a monastery on a hilltop overlooking a peaceful valley. Pilgrims would sit in meditation at the feet of the Golden Buddha.
One day news reached the monastery that the Burmese army was on its way to invade the village. This news was very upsetting to the monks, they knew that if the army discovered the Gold Buddha, it would be destroyed. So, the monks gathered to try and save the Buddha. After considering many ideas, one monk offered a plan to disguise the Buddha. “Let us cover the Buddha with mud and stones and mortar,” he suggested. The invaders will believe it is a statue made of stone. The monks thought it was a great idea and hastily they worked through the night to complete the project.
By morning, the last pail of mortar and stone was poured over the Buddha’s head. The great Golden Buddha had become a mere cement statue. Soon they heard the pounding of footsteps and the wheels of the warring army at the town gate. The soldiers marched up the hill toward the monastery and none of the soldiers even looked twice at the stone statue. The Buddha was unrecognized by the Burmese army. Years passed and everyone in the monastery and village went about their business, and all who looked believed that it was a statue made of stone.
In 1957 in Bangkok, a huge clay statue of the Buddha began to crack due to heat and drought. When some monks arrived to investigate, they saw there was a golden light emanating from the crack. The monks used a hammer and a chisel to chip away at the clay exterior until it revealed that the statue was in fact, made of solid gold. Before long all the facade was removed, and the Golden Buddha was restored to its original splendor.
Historians believe the Buddha was covered with clay by Thai monks several hundred years earlier to protect it from an attack by the Burmese army. Although all the monks who lived in the monastery at that time had been killed in the attack, the Golden Buddha, its beauty, and value covered over, had survived untouched. It wasn’t until 1957 that this great treasure was discovered. No one had known that inside this popular but ordinary-looking statue was a solid gold Buddha. Nobody knew that the monks disguised the beauty of the Golden Buddha to protect it.
Today it sits majestically in The Temple of the Golden Buddha in Bangkok, Thailand. Once again pilgrims come to sit at the feet of the Buddha and find refuge in the same golden nature within themselves.
Reflection
There is a golden center within all of us. We add layer after layer of facades and defenses to present ourselves to others. We add layers to protect ourselves from fear, uncertainty, confusion, and the negative messages of the culture. Instead of protecting ourselves, we need to uncover the “gold” within, so we know our true nature. We live life like a clay statue of powerlessness with feelings of unworthiness and fear. The center of the Medicine Wheel symbolizes our true self, our higher self. It is also pure gold. Learning how to shed the layers gives us strength and the ability to trust intuition, contemplation, and the natural mystery all around us.
Even when we can’t see the gold, in silence we can hear its call through longing for connection. We can experience it in awe of the beauty around us. Even though we cannot see the gold, the light of our true nature can be seen in our natural desire to help others. I have lived for years with a deep intuition that there is something beyond my traditional, habitual life, there must be more. Unknowing with my head and knowing with my heart I begin to realize there is a vast mysterious and sacred world of connectedness and wisdom beyond. And we all belong.
Prompts for journaling or discussion:
1. What layers prevent you from believing in yourself?
2. How do they get in your way?
3. Do you ever have the feeling like there is something missing in your life?
4. What helps you uncover the gold within?
5. What helps you to trust?
The basic teachings of the Medicine Wheel rhyme with the basic teaching of Buddhism. They both begin with learning to recognize our true nature found within. Both call us to believe in ourselves and to meet the ever-changing events of life with Love and connectedness to all living things.
"Doubt and the Dark Night of the Soul “In the twilight of life, God will not judge us on our earthy possessions and human successes, but on how well we have loved." -John of the Cross
We all have had dark and meaningless times in life. Yet, as we look back, we realize the dark times took us deeper inside. It is part of the path on our inward journey to purpose. Over the years, the phrase dark night of the soul has been used in many ways. It originates in the 1500s with a poem written by St. John. While imprisoned for his attempts to reform the Catholic Church, he composed the poem, The Dark Night of the Soul. He describes the soul’s longing for God. The main idea is to describe the painful experiences people endure as they seek to grow spiritually. The time between letting go of ego and finding our true inward path can feel empty and confusing.
Eckhart Tolle talks about how the dark night of the soul describes a time when you go through a deep sense of meaninglessness. This inner state is close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, and there seems to be no purpose to anything. All that is part of your life before and gave you meaning is gone, your achievements, what you considered necessary materially, meaningful relationships. It is not that you have lost these things; they no longer bring satisfaction and joy. These things lose the meaning that you once gave them. Their purpose usually came from conditioning and being driven by something outside of self.
It feels like a very dark place. Even your spiritual beliefs no longer have meaning. I describe it is as a feeling of abandonment because my religious practices no longer give comfort. For me, it involves acceptance and no longer grasping when I find peace, I usually go through a period when I no longer want the challenge of engaging in the world, and I find peace in solitude. In the solitude, I let go of my egoic need to be necessary, smarter, and better than, and realize these concepts divide and separate and cause pain. With that realization, I begin to feel new energy of loving unconditionally myself and others. I feel free from the roles that once defined me. I feel a connectedness to nature and life. I wake up each morning in gratitude. Since starting a daily mindfulness practice, these dark times happen less often and do not last as long.
The Buddha and Jesus use words like “wake up.” Life has meaning again, but it is no longer the same. We awaken into something more profound, which is no longer based on cultural expectations. We experience a deeper sense of connectedness. What dies, one could say, is the egoic sense of self. Egoic us vs them thinking is replaced, and we begin a journey inward to living life on purpose. Our spiritual struggle does not end when we leave the dark night of the soul. Mindfulness eases the battle as we learn to attend and befriend all uncomfortability. As soon as I think my ego is quiet, I believe I am special and take two steps back. The belief that I am more special than another separates me and my ego has regained control. When I think I have arrived, I am really going backward. Eckhart Tolle says, “The path is not a straight line; it is a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.
Doubt
For me, doubt is part of the pain of the dark night of the soul. It turns out that doubt can also be a path inward. We doubt the assumptions of our comfort zone and how we believe God works. By being free to doubt what we believe now, we can find a deeper knowing. Unknowing and doubt create feelings of uncertainty and, my favorite word again, uncomfortability. I wonder if that was what Jesus was feeling on the cross when said, “let this cup of suffering be taken from me” and “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (The Book of Matthew)
When we allow ourselves to doubt, we let go of know-it-all arrogance and self-will, we begin to expose our vanity and ego identity as a “very spiritual” person. We replace our arrogant desire always to be right with a spirit of unknowing, in a way, doubt brings us to self-knowledge, and it is not always pretty. It is the process of burning the egoic image.
I remember when I thought the Roman Catholic dogma was the only to salvation. Then I felt strong about New Thought spirituality and believed it was the only way to happiness and manifesting the life I wanted. When I allowed myself to experience doubt and the dark night of the soul, I realized there is truth in all religions. The Buddha and the Dalai Lama support doubt and suggest you keep an open mind when exploring truth and wisdom. Accepting doubt takes us on our inward path.
When I studied the mystics from Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Christianity, I realized they taught many of the same lessons. For example, they introduced the lesson on Oneness, and that separation is a delusion created by the egoic mind. They teach, instead of avoiding doubt, it is the path to knowing our Truest Self and a more profound way of learning and experiencing compassion for all God’s creatures.
Journal Exercise: Contemplate and the journal:
• If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, does it make a sound if there is no living creature to hear it?
• Does the sunrise and set each day if there is nobody to see it?
“To listen is to continually give up all expectations and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”-Mark Nepo
A few months ago, I attended an elder listening circle as a
participant. When it was my turn to share, I felt compassion and support coming
to me from people I barely knew. There was no judgment and no crosstalk.
Crosstalk is when you add your experience, point of view, or comment rather
than listen quietly. No crosstalk also means not even supporting or offering a
nod of agreement. I felt safe and listened to and was able to gain new
insights.
Thich Nhat Hanh invites us to take a step back and experience
listening to another with one purpose, “to help that person empty
their heart.” He says by allowing a person that space, you are giving them
a chance to suffer less. He expresses how deep listening is not listening to
analyze or even uncover what has happened. Instead, you listen to provide the
person with compassion and dignity when somebody finally understands. He
says this is your only purpose when you are listening mindfully.
How often do you feel like somebody is listening to you and
understands what you are trying to say? Most of the conflict between people is
due to both parties not hearing and understanding each other. Listening to and
hearing each other is an important skill. But like other skills, it takes a lot
of practice and the ability to remember your new skills. It is easy to forget
to listen when we become distracted.
Tara Brach says, “Most of us consider listening to be a great virtue. We love having others listen to us with interest and care, and we hope to be good listeners ourselves. But it is hard. To listen well, we must become aware of the mental static that runs interference: aware of our emotional reactivity; aware of all the ways we interpret (and misinterpret) each other; aware of our haste to prepare a response; aware of how we armor ourselves with judgment. Learning to listen involves stepping out of our ongoing inner dialogue and using what St. Benedict called the “ear of the heart.”
Here are some obstacles to listening:
·
You wish for the person to experience you
in a certain way.
·
You want approval.
·
You are judging the person or what they are saying.
·
Sometimes it is fear and hurt that causes us to
tense up and build walls pushing the other person away.
·
It is hard to listen to someone when it stirs up
feelings of fear, hurt, jealousy, or anger.
·
When we feel something unpleasant is going on, we
try to control the situation rather than sit peacefully listening.
·
Another obstacle is we may want to do something
different or be somewhere else.
·
Sometimes, we tell ourselves there is not enough
time to listen. But, when we value and know the power of listening, we can make
time and listen to a person as the priority.
Acknowledge these obstacles and label them in your head,
going back to your breath. Do not judge yourself; you are learning a new habit.
You can label it as you do in meditation and then go back to listening as you
would go back to your breath in meditation. Remember, the power of deep listening is to
end suffering.
Exercise One: Practice listening to
one person this week, using the following guidelines:
·
Give up the need to comment, having an opinion.
·
Give up the need to say you agree.
·
Remember, all people are entitled to have their
perspective of life.
·
Remember listening to another decrease suffering.
·
Listen with your heart, do not respond, or react
with your perception. Listen to their perception without comparing it to your
own and without judgment.
The Great Affair:
The great affair, the love affair with
life,
is to live as variously as possible,
to groom one’s curiosity like a
high-spirited thoroughbred,
Climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day.
Where there is no risk, the emotional
terrain is flat and unyielding,
And, despite all its dimensions,
valleys, pinnacles, and detours,
Life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.
It began in mystery, and it will end in
mystery,
But what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.”-Diane Ackerman
I hear Diane calling us to a life of exploring, risk-taking and mystery. More aliveness comes from getting out of our heads and into our bodies. This topic will explore all five senses with exercises to try each day for creating more body awareness. Listening to our bodies can become a habit that brings more aliveness, energy, and awareness. Pick a sense a day and try to find exercises you may want to include in a daily routine.
The smell sense Even as I think of smells, my nose is full of scents that start to awake sweet memories of summers gone and ripening fields far away.”-Helen Keller
In her book, The Natural History of the Senses, Diane Ackerman states that smell was the first of our senses to develop. I start with the sense of smell because of its importance in understanding its connection to memory. Smell links us to emotions and memory. The olfactory bulb is a part of the brain’s limbic system and can suddenly and spontaneously bring up memories and robust responses.
Our sense of smell is especially significant when we have experienced trauma. Many years ago, I saw a Viet Nam veteran for trauma therapy. He suddenly smells burning flesh. It was alarming to him to be sitting in a meeting and suddenly smell flesh burning. Often smell helps bring trauma memories into awareness where they can be healed.
A part of grieving includes wanting to keep the smell of their beloved. I remember stories of how widows didn’t wash their departed husband’s clothing because they wanted to be able to remember his smell.
Exercises focusing on smell follow:
·
Close your eyes
during some daily routines or tasks to focus more on smells, taking a shower,
cooking, and doing laundry. Smell the shampoo as you rinse it from your hair.
·
How does it smell
when you first enter your home, what are the different smells making up the
order? Try this with your basement or attic.
· When you open a window, smell the fresh air flowing. I love the smell of fresh clover in summer.
·
Notice the smell
of the interior of your car.
·
How does the
bakery smell in your grocery store feel?
· Smell something in nature, a tree, soil, or flower. I love the smell of the earth as I dig in my garden.
Taste- “The other senses may be enjoyed in all their beauty when one is alone, but taste is largely social. Humans rarely choose to dine in solitude, and food has a powerful social component.”- Ackerman
When we live alone, we dine alone. It makes sharing a meal even more special. Researchers tell us our taste and our smell connect in the sensory system. We often smell something before we taste it, and that’s enough to make us salivate. The connection is so strong, if we can’t smell something, we can’t taste it.
For many people, the first thing we taste is milk from our mother’s breast. It is the taste of love and affection. It brings feelings of warmth and security. Scientists tell us taste is our first feeling of pleasure.
Exercises focusing on taste follow:
·
Hold your nose to
see what effect not smelling has on taste.
·
See if you can
also be aware of where on your tongue you are experiencing each taste. We know
that we taste sweet things at the tip of the tongue, bitter stuff at the back,
sour stuff at the s sides, and salty things spread over the surface, but mainly
upfront.
·
Try to focus on
where you experience pungent and astringent tastes.
· Become aware of the strong association between food and pleasure.
Hearing- “I hadn't really noticed that I had a hearing problem. I just thought most people had given up on speaking clearly--Hal Linden
Scientists understand the basic concepts of how our hearing works. But the specific structures are incredibly complex. Scientists tell us it is astonishing how much is involved in the hearing process and all these processes occur in such a small area.
We can appreciate how extraordinary are our ears when we realize they pick up sound around us and then translate this information into a form that the brain can understand. This process is entirely mechanical, whereas our sense of smell, taste, and vision all involve chemical reactions, and hearing is a physical movement. Sounds travel through the air as a vibration in air pressure. The ear does three things; direct the sound waves into the ear’s hearing of the brain, feel the fluctuations in air pressure, and then translate these fluctuations into an electrical signal so the brain can understand them.
Humans, like animals, use sound for many things. First, it gives us information about our environment for safety and security. Second, a loud sound can alert us to danger. Third, we use it to communicate. Hearing helps us to experience religious ceremonies. Chanting “om” creates a vibration that you can feel in your head and the cartilage of your bones as they vibrate. Ackerman calls it a “massage from the inside, very soothing.”
The medical field uses music with dementia patients, autistic children, and others who struggle with communication. Comatose patients will respond to music. They have used music in the psychotherapy and addiction fields.
Exercises focusing on hearing follow:
·
Try to pick out
the details of what you are hearing in a construction area. Pick out the different sounds that make up the sound of building a home.
·
Listen to a multi-instrument
piece of music. Try to identify and focus on the different instruments.
·
Sit outside and
try to differentiate close sounds from far sounds. It may be easier to close
your eyes.
·
Sit outside or
inside and try to differentiate sound by volume. You may hear subtle sounds you
did not hear before.
·
You can also
gently pull on your ear occasionally and notice how it improved your hearing. I sometimes nod my head in the direction of a speaker I can't hear.
· Listen to an emotional piece of music and learn how the music’s ebb and flow and subtleties may match your mood.
Seeing- "Until you see me, I do not exist. I see you." Avatar movie. I see you, meaning I see the love in your soul.
We know our eyes are light gathers. When light rays reflect off an object and enter the eyes through the cornea, the transparent outer covering of the eye, we can see that object. The cornea bends or refracts the rays that pass through the round hole of the pupil. The iris opens and closes, making the pupil bigger or smaller. This movement regulates the amount of light passing through it. The light rays pass through the lens to the retina, which converts the light into electrical impulses. The optic nerve sends impulses to the brain, which produces an image.
The eye’s lens stiffens with age, we cannot focus when we see something up close. Have you ever thought maybe this is a good thing for as we age, we grow in wisdom and know that the big picture matters most?”
Another interesting finding is men and women do see things differently. Research has shown that male and female brains process colors in slightly different ways. For example, if both sexes look at an orange, it will appear redder to the man than to the woman. Similarly, the grass seems yellower to a man than to a woman. However, women see variations in color better than men. Scientists speculate that enhanced color perception was important when women were the primary gathers and needed to distinguish among fruits, foliage, and insects. While men show significantly greater sensitivity for fine detail and rapidly moving images, thus enabling them to detect possible predators or prey from afar and distinguish between these objects more easily.
While the aging process changes how we see things up close, it does not change our ability to appreciate color, design, shapes, and textures. It doesn’t interfere with our ability to see in our inner vision. We don’t need our eyes at all to remember beautiful scenes from the day or the past. I can close my eyes and see the beauty of the beach with shorebirds scurrying to find food before the tide comes in. I can picture in complete detail in the memory of my granddaughter as she dances in the Nutcracker. Also when we dream we can see surprising details and colors. Sometimes colors are more intense than they are when we wake.
Exercises focusing on seeing follow:
·
Go through the
day observing your surroundings focusing on bright colors. I came back to Wisconsin in April. I forgot the color of the new green growth. It was amazing, I saw it everywhere. Florida plants did not have the same color green.
·
Look with more
awareness to see things like the different color greens, you may not have noticed in the past.
· Notice the richness of eye color in a new way. There are many differences in blue eyes.
·
When you lie down
at night and close your eyes, see an intensely beautiful landscape or beautiful
tree from your inner vision.
·
Look at the clouds
and find the variations and differences. Note all the different parts of the
clouds, their shapes, sizes, and colors. I love waking in the morning to see clouds outside my window. They are always different.
·
Look at something
beautiful and pick out the details of what makes it special.
· Go through your day noticing tiny details you have noticed before.
Touch- “That’s what it feels like when you touch me. Like millions of tiny universes being born and then dying in the space between your finger and my skin. Sometimes I forget.”-Iain Thomas
Our skin is the largest organ of the body, weighing six to ten pounds, and gives us a sense of touch. Touch sensitivity varies as the fingertips, tongue, and genitals are much more sensitive than the back. Some parts of our body respond to touch differently; for example, it is different when we have an itch, shiver, or get goosebumps. Soon after being born, we instinctively start touching. Touch cells in the lips make nursing possible.
Touch is a sense with unique functions that affect our whole body; it has a much stronger influence than smell, taste, sound, or sight. Touch is the sense that has excellent potential for increasing our awareness and tuning into our environment. By bringing your attention to the sensations of skin contact with your environment and noticing the temperature, like the warmth or coolness on your face or hands, you can become more present in the now.
Exercises focusing on touch follow:
·
Feel the textures
of everyday objects in your environment to focus your attention in a way you
haven’t before. Touch the water you are running to brush your teeth. Touch the skin on your face and arm. How is the touch different?
·
Feel an itch
before you do something to relieve it.
· If your get goosebumps, focus your attention on the sensations. Where do you feel the goosebumps? Do you feel chilled, or is it an awe moment?
·
Find a surface
that is, for the most part, smooth but has some irregularities. One at a time
slowly move each finger and thumb over the surface. See if you can feel
irregularities differently when felt by different fingers or thumbs, right hand,
or left hand.
·
Find something
that feels very soft to the touch, like a stuffed animal or piece of soft cloth.
Then touch your face, hands, feet, forearms, and legs, trying to discern the
similarities and differences between the body part’s experiences of touch.
·
Walk barefoot
over different surfaces, textures, and temperatures. Focus on feeling the
surface with your feet.
·
In the morning,
when you first wake up, rub your feet together over and over to simulate touch
awareness. Then touch the floor and notice how it feels to your feet.
·
As often as you
remember, as you go through the day, bring your attention to the sensations of
skin contact with clothing, furniture, plates, tables, and keyboard.
“If you try to do only for yourself, you’ll only get so far in life. If you reach out to touch other people, you can fix you own soul.”-Bryan A. Wood, Combat Veteran
Do you find yourself stuck in a daily routine that makes life
feel like it’s just another day? When I first retired, I felt excited about the
extra free time. After a few months of retirement, I heard others saying what I
was also feeling. “Gee golfing every day left me feeling like there has to
be more to life. Retirement isn’t what I thought it would be.” All my free
time started to feel like it was just another day, with no surprises,
plans, and meaning. Uncomfortability is a sign for me to pay attention, a time
for opportunity and possibilities. As I suffered from this feeling of just
another day, I returned to what I knew best, mindfulness awareness without
judgment. Soon I realized retirement took away my purpose. There is research
pointing to the importance of living life on purpose. It turns out sharing our
passion, talents, and love is good for our happiness, health, and longevity. I share
some of the studies below.
2003 Harvard, Mayo Clinic, and University of
Pittsburg study on the concept of “cognitive reserve.”
·
They studied fifty brains from people who had
died. One group of subjects had dementia while they were alive, and a control
group had no symptoms of memory loss.
·
At autopsy, they found that some individuals from
the control group accumulated equivalent loads of plaques and tangles as those
found in people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but did not experience dementia
symptoms while alive.
· Researchers believe the brain abnormalities did not cause symptoms because these individuals had “cognitive reserve.” They define cognitive reserves as extra neurons and stronger connections formed because of their continued activity in projects they felt were meaningful, activities they believed made a positive difference for others, living life on purpose.
2009 Archives of General Psychiatry report on a
Johns Hopkins study on the importance of civic engagement for elders.
·
They assigned a group of elders to participate in
a tutoring program for children in elementary school in Baltimore. After MRI
brain scans, they found the participants who reported finding meaning in
helping children had better cognitive functioning, and their hippocampus had
less atrophy than the control group.
·
After examining the brain tissue of two hundred
and fifty people who died during a long-term study of more than 1400 older men
and women, they found some fascinating autopsy results.
·
After retirement, individuals who were not
involved in new activities showed a cognitive decline like Alzheimer’s patients
but did not have the brain plaques and tangles typical in Alzheimer’s clients.
·
Some individuals who had brain plaques and tangle
like Alzheimer’s did not have dementia symptoms. They had no memory loss. They
were people who reported having purpose and meaning in life after retirement.
·
The results indicated better brain functioning
for people who reported having more purpose in their lives. Moreover, the
results held up when controlled for differences in exercise levels, education,
and stress factor.
2012 Patricia Boyle, a neuropsychologist
at Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago, led a team studying the
effects of having a sense of purpose on Alzheimer’s Disease. They followed 246
older persons from the Rush Memory and Aging Project for seven years.
They used structured interviews and cognitive functioning testing for
evaluation. Changes in amyloid and tangles were examined in relation to the
sense of purpose. Participants who scored high on purpose were two times more
likely to be free of Alzheimer’s symptoms than those who scored low. In
addition, Dr. Boyle’s team showed that purposeful people are less likely to
develop disabilities that cause early death.
There seems to be significant scientific evidence showing the
power of having continued purpose as we age. The results of these studies have
significant public health implications. According to the Alzheimer’s
Association, more than five million Americans are currently living with
Alzheimer’s. It is the sixth leading cause of death in the U.S.
Imagine if a drug could reduce dementia with the
same numbers as the purpose studies were able to demonstrate. What if that drug
had no adverse side effects and could produce the same results? It would be a
best seller.
Unfortunately, the number of people diagnosed with dementia-related
diseases is rising, creating a significant strain on the healthcare industry
and Medicare. Dr. Richard Lipton of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine
found lifestyle changes to be more effective than medication in reducing the risks
of dementia. Richard Davidson from the University of Wisconsin says, “I
think that one of the important insights from our work is that the mind can be
transformed, that we all are born with a capability for change. And that the
seeds of living a compassionate life are within each of us.
Living your life on purpose after retirement is one of the
best things you can do for your health and longevity. You replace just another
day syndrome with an I can make a difference today.
Exercise: Every morning this week, set the intention to make a positive difference in somebody’s life, human, animal, or plant.
“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”-Marcel Proust
December 2016, I saw my last client, sold my house, and moved
from Wisconsin to Florida. I retired. At first, I was busy settling into a new
state and a new home. I wanted to make new friends, find a comfortable
church, and find ways to spend my free time. I went to meetups, attended four
different churches, started a meetup group on mindfulness. I volunteered at
Hospice and became a CASA advocate. After six months of no-stop distractions, I
felt lonely even though I had met several people and called a few friends.
Every meetup, church service, volunteer training, and social gathering felt like
a train wreck. I came home feeling empty and alone. Feeling lonely when with a
group of people was a new and challenging experience. I missed
my Wisconsin friends and needed to face the feelings of longing and grief instead
of distracting myself with the busy life syndrome.
It turns out there is biology that supports this need for
hanging out with people we are comfortable around. At one time, humans needed each other to
survive a very harsh existence. Our needs are not the same as our evolutionary
journey, but they are just as important. Researchers show how emotional
connectivity remains a core part of being human. It is interesting to know that
their findings confirm the wisdom of mystics and spiritual leaders shared for
many years; we are One and belong to each other. Neuroscience gives us
scientific terms supporting long-held beliefs about healing, redemption, and our
need for love and support from each other. This shared humanity and friendship give
us hope and strength to face the challenges of aging.
A review of recent
neuroscientific studies follows:
Lane Becks and James Coan, Social Baseline Theory.
·
They say we do best when we are in proximity to
each other. The study demonstrated how the flight-flight, freeze
chemical reaction fired much less when another person is with us, even if there
is nothing the other person can do to help.
·
Their research demonstrated how when we are in a
situation causing fear and suffering, the presence of another, even a stranger,
calms our nervous systems.
·
I am sure we all can recall moments like this
when a trusted person made everything easier just by holding our hand through a
painful procedure or event.
·
If you wish to review the work of Becks and Coan,
you can find it at Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social
Proximity in Emotions and Economy of Action (2011)
Kraus, Huang, and Keltner demonstrated how team
cohesiveness was a stronger predictor of success than IQ or talent.
·
Social proximity and interaction improve human
functioning.
·
With the support of another person, our executive
functions such as impulse control, memory, concentration, and focus are more
available for problem-solving.
·
The best predictor of success was not the average
IQ of a group but rather the sensitivity of group members to each other’s
social cues.
·
Our culture’s high regard for autonomy and
individual success may be creating anxiety and fight-flight symptoms. In
addition, isolation would increase the anxiety levels of most people.
·
Cooperation rather than competition may be more
helpful in solving the problems challenging our country and our world.
The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges studied
how our autonomic system responds to conditions around us.
·
The theory helps us understand how the perception
of safety is the vital requirement needed for learning new things.
· He explains how our systems sense, below our conscious awareness if we feel safe in the situation. How we react depends on the cues we are picking up from person to person relating. For example, we respond to a facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, and person’s attitude.
·
When safety is perceived, our ventral vagal
parasympathetic system activates, and our body calms down. As a result, we can
be close and vulnerable in a relationship. We can focus on what the person is
saying and the deeper meanings of our relationships. People feel attended to
and matter when relating to a person who is in a state of calm.
·
An individual in this calm, authentic state
becomes a magnet for others, and when they meet up with others in this same
relaxed and safe place, a healthy relationship can form.
·
When fear is perceived, the sympathetic system
activates, fight, flight, or freeze to prepare our body for acting. Our
voice changes from mellow and calm to harsh and anxious; our ears focus on
listening to the larger environment for sounds of danger rather than listening
to a person. We lose our ability to attend to another person. We disconnect from
others and narrow our focus to scan for threats. People around us will sense
fear, and their system may fall into a protection mode also.
·
Porges says, “safety is the treatment.” Safety
is the prerequisite to learning and change. Our systems continually ask, “Are
you with me?” As soon as we feel someone is not judging and is attending to
us, our system will move into the same non-judgmental calming state; we will
have fewer judgments about ourselves and others. We can experience
vulnerability in our connecting.
·
If somebody is not feeling safe, they will
automatically have difficulty connecting with others. Thus, the focus is on
protecting and not connecting. As a result, we lose access to rational
judgment, focus, concentration, and memory, causing complications for learning
new information.
Summarizing the findings:
·
We all need relationships and communities where
we support one another without judgment and fear.
·
Connecting with others is critical to our
survival.
·
Even a stranger can promote healing with a
reduction of anxiety by holding someone’s hand.
·
Our calm presence promotes feelings of safety and
connection in others.
·
Panksepp does not believe in punishment as a part
of parenting. Instead, he would replace time out with listening to the child’s
deep need for connection. Then, respond by holding the child until the
emotional storm subsides.
·
Panksepp suggests a new way of caring for people
who have dementia. He says when the person experiences a cognitive decline, it
is not their most significant capacity; finding meaning through connection is
far more critical. For example, when a family member no longer remembers your
name, she will be able to recognize and be comforted by your touch and the
sound of your voice.
·
The importance of safety first in relating and
learning new things has implications for our schools, Kirke Olson, the author
of The Invisible Classroom, says, “We must focus on safety and
connection before curriculum.”
·
The possibilities are endless when we apply this knowledge
to understand how our current culture conditions of competition, information
overload, task-oriented, and a high value on “success” keep us in persistent
sympathetic activation and thus preventing us from peaceful intimate
connecting.
·
We can also understand why political scare
tactics are effective. In the fight-flight-freeze state, we have difficulty
with focus and concentration and become reactive. There is no compassion or
concern for others; our focus is safety. Our executive functions for concentration,
reasoning, and logic are diminished.
Listening becomes more critical when we use these
facts to understand our power to heal one another. When we
understand our importance to each other’s wellbeing, listening in a calm
presence increases our significance. We can bring healing to others by
using every opportunity to listen to others instead of thinking about what to
say or wondering if you will agree or disagree. It is helpful to remember what
brings healing and calm to another is attending without judgment.
Neuroscientists tell us the biology of hanging out with friends is essential
for healing. People do need people. Knowing I can make a difference by holding
somebody’s hand or just being present in a calm, supportive way inspires me to
volunteer.
Journal Exercise: Think
of an individual with whom you feel respected and valued for who you are. How
do you feel in this person’s presence? Think of a person with whom you feel
respect and value who they are. How do you feel in their presence?
When we can see others through the eyes of our jaggedness and replace judgment with compassion, miracles can happen. By remembering all the obstacles, we surmounted we can see through the eyes of compassion. All broken relationships, career setbacks, loss of loved ones are shared and never wasted. Our past mistakes give us the ability to understand the mistakes of others. When we look at each other and see ourselves, we bring healing. We embrace the preciousness we find in their eyes; we make the world safer and more accessible.
I was part of a multi-disciplinary team for a Drug Court. A
judge in the area established the program to lower recidivism rates of drug and
alcohol addicts. Working with a team of law enforcement and probation officers,
and human services professionals, I provided trauma therapy for women who
were sexual abuse survivors. The program demanded 365 consecutive days of drug
testing and extremely strict hoops to jump. There was no room for error;
non-compliance put the client in prison. The expectations were high, and
clients were held to high standards of accountability. However, the incentives to
succeed were also exceptionally high. In exchange for several years of prison,
they could go on probation with no prison time.
I remember one client I will call Janice; it is not her real
name. She grew up in a violent home where she was repeatedly sexually abused by
men in her family. Both of her parents were drug addicts. She remembered “doing
pot” with her mother when she was twelve years old. Janice grew up to be an extraordinarily
successful drug dealer. She bought a duplex with cash from the money she earned
selling drugs. Janice lived there with her three children. She made sure it was
a good neighborhood so her children would be safe and could attend good
schools. Her children’s fathers were drug addicts and did not contribute to
their expenses. When one of them physically abused her son, she left the
relationship. She was very protective and nurturing to her children, in ways
she never experienced as a child. She loved them dearly and it was that love
that gave her the strength, courage, and determination to complete the program.
Her sexual trauma complicated the hoops she jumped. She used drugs to numb the
pain. Without drugs, her journey to recovery was very steep. When we face our
trauma, we suffer. Without motivation, therapy, and a supportive group, it is
an impossible task.
At the time of the arrest, Janice lived alone with her
children. The rent from the other side of the duplex gave her consistent
income. She vowed to have a safe place where her children would not be abused
or neglected. Going to prison meant her children would be in foster care or
with her abusive family. Drug Court was a lifesaver for her.
When Janice first started therapy with me, she told me what she thought
I wanted to hear so that I would give the judge good reports. I could give
positive reports because she did show up on time for every appointment. One
day, I will never forget was the day she told me her truth. She looked straight into my eyes with a
combination of fear and confusion. Then her silence went on for a long time, and I
wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she spoke to
me from her heart with tears in her eyes. I don’t remember the exact words, but
it went something like this. “I am turning into the other side. I am
becoming like the people I hate. The boring and stupid people who obey the law
and think they are better than everybody else.” It was a profound statement that caught me by surprise. At that moment, I realized
how we are all victims of our family, culture, and society. Our brains
wire the beliefs that live around us as mother, father, grandparents, uncle, and
aunts. Their beliefs become our reality and are hard-wired into our subconscious mind.
I remember listening to a talk by Thich Nhat Hanh challenging
his audience to love those who are difficult to love. He told a story about a
twelve-year-old girl who jumped into the ocean and drowned herself after being
raped by a pirate. He says, “it is easy to see ourselves in the eyes of the
twelve-year-old girl. It is more challenging to see ourselves in the eyes of
the pirate.” It is difficult not to condemn him. Thich Nhat Hanh
explained that if we were born into the pirate village and raised in the same
ways as he was, who would we be? Thich Nhat Hanh says there is a great
likelihood he would become a pirate. If you were born into a violent family
with drug-abusing parents who broke the law as a way of life, who would you be?
Would you be a drug dealer?
I could see the preciousness in Janice. She valued and cared
for her children in ways she was never valued as a child. She started Drug
Court and continued the struggle for the love of her children and finally,
after a year of intense struggle and suffering, Janice finished the program with
all the odds against her. She became sober, found employment, and volunteered
to take a mindfulness class for she knew the support of a group would sustain
her recovery. She maintained her recovery for the love of herself.
Bringing the jagged pieces of our lives to the places we live
and to the people we meet helps us to love and share our compassion. We see
ourselves in eyes of the ones judged by society and seen as “other”. When we
can see ourselves in the eyes of the pirates and the parents who neglect their children,
we bring healing and peace. When we can bring our jagged pieces, we witness
miracles. It is magic driven by love because we replaced judgment with
compassion. We use the sweetness of the jagged pieces of our lives to make
positive differences in the lives of others. We change the world, and we change
our own lives.
