When we can see others through the eyes of our jaggedness and replace judgment with compassion, miracles can happen. By remembering all the obstacles, we surmounted we can see through the eyes of compassion. All broken relationships, career setbacks, loss of loved ones are shared and never wasted. Our past mistakes give us the ability to understand the mistakes of others. When we look at each other and see ourselves, we bring healing. We embrace the preciousness we find in their eyes; we make the world safer and more accessible.
I was part of a multi-disciplinary team for a Drug Court. A
judge in the area established the program to lower recidivism rates of drug and
alcohol addicts. Working with a team of law enforcement and probation officers,
and human services professionals, I provided trauma therapy for women who
were sexual abuse survivors. The program demanded 365 consecutive days of drug
testing and extremely strict hoops to jump. There was no room for error;
non-compliance put the client in prison. The expectations were high, and
clients were held to high standards of accountability. However, the incentives to
succeed were also exceptionally high. In exchange for several years of prison,
they could go on probation with no prison time.
I remember one client I will call Janice; it is not her real
name. She grew up in a violent home where she was repeatedly sexually abused by
men in her family. Both of her parents were drug addicts. She remembered “doing
pot” with her mother when she was twelve years old. Janice grew up to be an extraordinarily
successful drug dealer. She bought a duplex with cash from the money she earned
selling drugs. Janice lived there with her three children. She made sure it was
a good neighborhood so her children would be safe and could attend good
schools. Her children’s fathers were drug addicts and did not contribute to
their expenses. When one of them physically abused her son, she left the
relationship. She was very protective and nurturing to her children, in ways
she never experienced as a child. She loved them dearly and it was that love
that gave her the strength, courage, and determination to complete the program.
Her sexual trauma complicated the hoops she jumped. She used drugs to numb the
pain. Without drugs, her journey to recovery was very steep. When we face our
trauma, we suffer. Without motivation, therapy, and a supportive group, it is
an impossible task.
At the time of the arrest, Janice lived alone with her
children. The rent from the other side of the duplex gave her consistent
income. She vowed to have a safe place where her children would not be abused
or neglected. Going to prison meant her children would be in foster care or
with her abusive family. Drug Court was a lifesaver for her.
When Janice first started therapy with me, she told me what she thought
I wanted to hear so that I would give the judge good reports. I could give
positive reports because she did show up on time for every appointment. One
day, I will never forget was the day she told me her truth. She looked straight into my eyes with a
combination of fear and confusion. Then her silence went on for a long time, and I
wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she spoke to
me from her heart with tears in her eyes. I don’t remember the exact words, but
it went something like this. “I am turning into the other side. I am
becoming like the people I hate. The boring and stupid people who obey the law
and think they are better than everybody else.” It was a profound statement that caught me by surprise. At that moment, I realized
how we are all victims of our family, culture, and society. Our brains
wire the beliefs that live around us as mother, father, grandparents, uncle, and
aunts. Their beliefs become our reality and are hard-wired into our subconscious mind.
I remember listening to a talk by Thich Nhat Hanh challenging
his audience to love those who are difficult to love. He told a story about a
twelve-year-old girl who jumped into the ocean and drowned herself after being
raped by a pirate. He says, “it is easy to see ourselves in the eyes of the
twelve-year-old girl. It is more challenging to see ourselves in the eyes of
the pirate.” It is difficult not to condemn him. Thich Nhat Hanh
explained that if we were born into the pirate village and raised in the same
ways as he was, who would we be? Thich Nhat Hanh says there is a great
likelihood he would become a pirate. If you were born into a violent family
with drug-abusing parents who broke the law as a way of life, who would you be?
Would you be a drug dealer?
I could see the preciousness in Janice. She valued and cared
for her children in ways she was never valued as a child. She started Drug
Court and continued the struggle for the love of her children and finally,
after a year of intense struggle and suffering, Janice finished the program with
all the odds against her. She became sober, found employment, and volunteered
to take a mindfulness class for she knew the support of a group would sustain
her recovery. She maintained her recovery for the love of herself.
Bringing the jagged pieces of our lives to the places we live
and to the people we meet helps us to love and share our compassion. We see
ourselves in eyes of the ones judged by society and seen as “other”. When we
can see ourselves in the eyes of the pirates and the parents who neglect their children,
we bring healing and peace. When we can bring our jagged pieces, we witness
miracles. It is magic driven by love because we replaced judgment with
compassion. We use the sweetness of the jagged pieces of our lives to make
positive differences in the lives of others. We change the world, and we change
our own lives.
very enlightening
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