Doubt and the Dark Night of the Soul

 "Doubt and the Dark Night of the Soul “In the twilight of life, God will not judge us on our earthy possessions and human successes, but on how well we have loved." -John of the Cross

We all have had dark and meaningless times in life. Yet, as we look back, we realize the dark times took us deeper inside. It is part of the path on our inward journey to purpose. Over the years, the phrase dark night of the soul has been used in many ways. It originates in the 1500s with a poem written by St. John. While imprisoned for his attempts to reform the Catholic Church, he composed the poem, The Dark Night of the Soul. He describes the soul’s longing for God. The main idea is to describe the painful experiences people endure as they seek to grow spiritually. The time between letting go of ego and finding our true inward path can feel empty and confusing. 

 Eckhart Tolle talks about how the dark night of the soul describes a time when you go through a deep sense of meaninglessness. This inner state is close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, and there seems to be no purpose to anything. All that is part of your life before and gave you meaning is gone, your achievements, what you considered necessary materially, meaningful relationships. It is not that you have lost these things; they no longer bring satisfaction and joy. These things lose the meaning that you once gave them. Their purpose usually came from conditioning and being driven by something outside of self.

 It feels like a very dark place. Even your spiritual beliefs no longer have meaning. I describe it is as a feeling of abandonment because my religious practices no longer give comfort. For me, it involves acceptance and no longer grasping when I find peace, I usually go through a period when I no longer want the challenge of engaging in the world, and I find peace in solitude. In the solitude, I let go of my egoic need to be necessary, smarter, and better than, and realize these concepts divide and separate and cause pain. With that realization, I begin to feel new energy of loving unconditionally myself and others. I feel free from the roles that once defined me. I feel a connectedness to nature and life. I wake up each morning in gratitude. Since starting a daily mindfulness practice, these dark times happen less often and do not last as long.

The Buddha and Jesus use words like “wake up.” Life has meaning again, but it is no longer the same. We awaken into something more profound, which is no longer based on cultural expectations. We experience a deeper sense of connectedness. What dies, one could say, is the egoic sense of self. Egoic us vs them thinking is replaced, and we begin a journey inward to living life on purpose. Our spiritual struggle does not end when we leave the dark night of the soul. Mindfulness eases the battle as we learn to attend and befriend all uncomfortability. As soon as I think my ego is quiet, I believe I am special and take two steps back. The belief that I am more special than another separates me and my ego has regained control. When I think I have arrived, I am really going backward. Eckhart Tolle says, “The path is not a straight line; it is a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.

Doubt 

For me, doubt is part of the pain of the dark night of the soul. It turns out that doubt can also be a path inward. We doubt the assumptions of our comfort zone and how we believe God works. By being free to doubt what we believe now, we can find a deeper knowing. Unknowing and doubt create feelings of uncertainty and, my favorite word again, uncomfortability. I wonder if that was what Jesus was feeling on the cross when said, “let this cup of suffering be taken from me” and “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (The Book of Matthew) 

When we allow ourselves to doubt, we let go of know-it-all arrogance and self-will, we begin to expose our vanity and ego identity as a “very spiritual” person. We replace our arrogant desire always to be right with a spirit of unknowing, in a way, doubt brings us to self-knowledge, and it is not always pretty. It is the process of burning the egoic image. 

I remember when I thought the Roman Catholic dogma was the only to salvation. Then I felt strong about New Thought spirituality and believed it was the only way to happiness and manifesting the life I wanted. When I allowed myself to experience doubt and the dark night of the soul, I realized there is truth in all religions. The Buddha and the Dalai Lama support doubt and suggest you keep an open mind when exploring truth and wisdom. Accepting doubt takes us on our inward path. 

When I studied the mystics from Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Christianity, I realized they taught many of the same lessons. For example, they introduced the lesson on Oneness, and that separation is a delusion created by the egoic mind. They teach, instead of avoiding doubt, it is the path to knowing our Truest Self and a more profound way of learning and experiencing compassion for all God’s creatures. 

 Journal Exercise: Contemplate and the journal:

 • If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, does it make a sound if there is no living creature to hear it? 

• Does the sunrise and set each day if there is nobody to see it?